On the plus side, my eyes look pretty when I cry...

Why do I get called a whore for dating the person I like?  Why does the person calling me a whore get sympathy?  And why, after all of this, do we still have to share?  Some people choose to be blind and live in a fantasy world.  So 'll just come right out and say it: you are the only person that can make this end, and someday, you'll have to choose.  You're going to lose one of us, and while it won't be soon, you're going to have to make a decision.

People don't get it...

I don't understand why people are like this.  Seriously.  Why does everybody rally to the kid that lies, spreads rumors, and hates people based on who they date?  I don't know why it takes me talking about nightmares for people to say, "Wow, this is really bothering you, isn't it?"  Even then, no one does anything.  Actually, not no one.  Just the people that count.  Plenty of people have tried to help, but I guess I just kept holding out hope that the one person who mattered would pick me.  To be fair, the other kid feels like this too.  But the fact that I put all of my faith into this person and he thinks that "it has to be this way" just makes me feel sad and unloved.  I really would rather not be n this situation, but here I am.  Having the constant feeling that if I do anything wrong, he other kid wins my boyfriend really sucks.  It has made me completely dependent.  Which is kind of the worst when they're hanging out tomorrow night and I don't get to hang out with him.  At all.  For all of our break.  I know that it's not intentional, but after awhile, I start to wonder if I'm not good enough.  I really just want this whole ordeal to end, and nobody will ever do anything about it.

If I see one more freaking post about this stupid freaking Lady Gaga contest, I am going to throw my computer at a wall.

There are times when I just want to give up.  I had such an amazing day today, but I am so not happy right now. There are times when I want to say, "You know what, I don't need this.  I might not be able to get any guy I want, but I can find someone who cares more about me than you."  But I never would, because that same person makes me happier than anyone else.  However, when I have to tell him to care more, it kind of ruins the point of a relationship.  At this point, he'll either start acting like he cares, he'll dump me, or I'll deal with always feeling mediocre.  I change the way I think of myself to how my boyfriend thinks of me (I know, depressing), so maybe I'll just quit caring in public.

Desert Place

This started off as an English assignment and turned into the first poetry I've written in months.  Enjoy!

My desert place is not where I am alone
My desert place is haunted
It is haunted by the thoughts of others, and the thoughts that are my own
But mostly, the thoughts of the one who holds influence
The thoughts of the one that I strive to please
The thoughts of the one that I stomp away from, fuming
The thoughts of the one who seems to care so much less than I
The thoughts of the one word answers
The thoughts of the distracted looks
The thoughts of brushing me away
The thoughts of thoughts obviously somewhere else
The thoughts of the one whose thoughts I wish that I could read
These are the thoughts that haunt my desert place.
These are the thoughts that I wish I could escape.

It's Been a Long Day!

Well, it's been a long, been a long, been a long, been a long day.  I have been beyond busy, and I was actually in the hospital for a while for Lyme Meningitis.  I'm okay now, but I have something in my chest that I put IV meds into.  Joy.

However, that is not my issue.  I just need to get something off of my chest...

SOMETIMES I GET SO FREAKING MAD!  I GET MAD ABOUT KIND OF STUPID STUFF, BUT SOMETIMES I HAVE A POINT!  GAHHHHHH, I HATE FREAKING PEOPLE.  

Whenever I post something on here, it seems like I'm angry about it, even if I just want to talk about it... so I'm not angry, I promise!

I'm sick (again), so I've had a pretty boring day.  I talked to a couple people, watched some TV, took a ridiculous amount of medication that did nothing, watched Ferris Bueller's Day Off and True Grit, and slept.  What bugs me at times when I am feeling altogether crappy is feeling lonely or unwanted.  You may say, aren't those pretty similar?  I suppose so, but here's the difference.  Lonely is when you aren't talking to anyone, haven't been talking to anyone, and know that you won't be talking to anyone soon.  Loneliness is bearable, because it is gone as soon as you make the effort to talk to someone.  Unwantedness (yes, that's now a word) is much worse.  Feeling unwanted gets inside your mind.  It is when you were talking to someone, and they leave.  Not just a, "Oh, I've got to go eat dinner," but specifically, "I've got to go hang out with people other than you."  This happened to me three imes today, and while they were all totally valid excuses, it made me feel like crap.  Don't think that I have any problems with my friends hanging out with other people than me, because I don't.  However, this overwhelming feeling of, "Why the hell does nobody want to talk to ME?" comes over me, and it sucks.  There isn't a solution to this, because they're in situations that would be weird for them to be texting someone.  But at the same time, this makes me look into things more than I should.  I have massive insecurity meltdowns in my brain when I feel like crap and something gets added to my stress.  Two of the people that stopped texting me today caused a meltdown.  This is pretty much how it went down in my brain.

"Oh, they have to go hang out with [blank]."

"That's weird, they're always texting when they're hanging out with me."

"In fact, they're always texting [blank]!"

"How come they text [blank] when they're with me, but won't text me when they're with [blank]?!?!?!"

"They must like [blank] way more than me." 

 *shoves chocolate into mouth and resumes Tumbling*

 So yeah.  It's not like I'm ticked off or anything, but that was my mini-meltdown of the day.  I hope it amused you :)

Scarf color: Black and White

Crying in my room about people that make me cry. (Redundancy is redundant)

Let me start off by saying that, while I am an emotional person, I don't cry.  Actually, that's not true.  I don't cry about real life.  I don't cry when I hurt myself, I don't cry when people say mean things to me... I only cry at movies.

That has changed with the events of tonight.

Tonight, I ended up sobbing on my bed for about a half hour because of something  that someone said about me.  Yupp, I'm officially a teenage girl.  This thing was said by aforementioned guy that likes my boyfriend.  We haven't talked, and things have remained uneventful between us.  However, he just posted about me on Tumblr.  This post was specific enough that people that know both of us would know that it was me, but vague enough not to spell out my name.  He lied about me, but based enough on fact that anyone who read it without knowing my side would think that he was telling the truth.

At this point, I can't say much on the matter.  I really just want this to end.  But I'm not the one fueling the flames.  I have no say.

Scarf color: none

Sickness and Happiness

The time has come again when I must become ill.  I don't get legitimately sick very often, but when I do, it's a zinger.  However, the events of the last week have been so fantastic that it almost makes up for my fever of 100.8 degrees.

The thing that made my week so wonderful is (shocker, I know) my boyfriend.  He came over on a day that we had off of school, and he got snowed in for two blissful days.  We went sledding (or attempted to), watched movies, and just got to spend some quality time together!  I really love being with him, and it was sooo nice.  

The only bad part about all of this... we were no more than five feet from each other for days.  Which means that he will almost definitely get sick.  Which makes me feel horrible and guilty.  :'(

Some of the good things about being sick:

• Watching Harry Potter
• Reading
• Having your boyfriend text you adorable things <3 <3 <3  

Sorry for this scatterbrained post, but I can't think right now... umkay bye!

Scarf color: I'm too freaking hot already

Now that I know that people actually checking this blog, I feel obligated to write something...

Hello, mah peeps!

I've made a decision recently, and it's actually making a pretty big difference in how I feel about myself.  As I've mentioned, there's been a lot of drama surrounding me recently, and I was obviously pretty angry about it.  I was starting to feel legitimately bad about myself.  It got to the point that I would lay awake for hours thinking about how horrible of a person I was.  I talked to my best friend and my boyfriend about it, which would make me feel better for the moment, but I'd just start feeling bad again soon after.

The thing that finally changed how I was handling the situation was a talk that I had with my Sunday School teacher.  She's a guidance counselor, and I've been telling her about how my week went after class since the beginning of the year.  She always gives good advice, but this situation really caught her interest.  She got pretty concerned about everything that was going on, and started off by telling me the usual... "Just be the bigger person!"  Instead of smiling and nodding, as I do when my parents tell me that kind of thing, I told her flat out that I wasn't sure if I could be the bigger person.  She went on to tell me about her views on being the bigger person.  She helped me realize some things that I needed to understand.

• While I got immediate satisfaction by complaining bitterly to some of my close friends, what did it really do to help?  Nothing.  
• If I don't feed the flames, eventually the fire will have to go out.  I know that a lot of other people are helping him keep up a good head of steam, I won't help it along.
• I refuse to make this a bad situation for my boyfriend.  I feel so bad for him, as his best friend hates his girlfriend.  But I am trying as hard as I can to just take the pressure off of him, because I don't want him to push me or his friend away.

Since I've refused to talk to anyone besides my boyfriend about this whole situation, I've felt SO much better!  Even though I wish that things could be different, I understand that I can't do anything, and I'm not going to give anyone an excuse to hate me.  I think that if people consciously tried to stay above drama, we just wouldn't have it.  Well, I hope that all of y'all take this to heart, and I wish you luck staying above all of this!

Scarf color: Gryffindor (Burgundy and Gold)

Taking A Moment/ Insecurities

I desperately need a break from studying, so this seemed like a good place to go.  Lately, I've been realizing something about myself that I really dislike.  I am a very insecure person.  While I can be very confident, my brain loves to play little tricks on me to get me to doubt myself.  This has been happening more and more often with the arrival of, you guessed it, a boyfriend.  I want to make it abundantly clear: THIS IS MY PROBLEM, NOT HIS!  He is wonderful, and he always makes me feel great about myself.  The problem is that, when we aren't together, I get this horrible, nagging feeling in the back of my mind.  I keep feeling like, while he likes me, I like him wayyyyy more.  These feelings are usually crushed when we hang out again, but until then, I become more and more miserable.  Obviously, I'm not going to complain to him every time that this happens, because it would be way too often, and it's not like he could change anything that he does.  I'll tell you what, when you really really like somebody, you start to realize how much you care about what they think.  Ugh.  I keep getting this feeling set off by stupid little things, and it just won't stop.  Oy vey, reading this over, I just need to grow some self confidence.

 Scarf: Multicolored flowers

In my dreams, he was with me all night.  In reality, he's miles away...

I Need To Stop Complaining, But This Must Be Blogged

Is it possible for me to date the guy I like without complications?  No.  No, it is not.  I feel that sometimes, I have problems that most teenage girls don't have when it comes to guys.  For instance, do most girls have their boyfriend's best friend (we'll call him... Matt) mad at them because they recently discovered that they are bi, and they like him too?  I feel like that's not too common.  I am now in the position of Matt, one of my old friends, hating me.  We used to be really close, but apparently he views me as a threat now.  Have I mentioned that my boyfriend is completely straight, and that therefore, he could not possibly date Matt?  Meanwhile, Matt has told my three best friends that he hates me.  Which, of course, one of them told me about.  And the thing is, if Matt were to find out about that, he would be super pissed off.  Because, of course, "they had no right to tell me."  Also, besides my friends that he told, he told half of our music department.  So pretty much anything that I do, I am going to look like a bitch.  I stay with my boyfriend (which is obviously what I am doing), I'm rubbing it in Matt's face (according to him) that I can be with him and he can't.  I break up with him (which is SO not going to happen), I am being a bitch, because I would be breaking up with a guy that I like an incredible amount for no reason.  So woo-hoo.  Life is a bitch.

Scarf: Black and White

Why I Dislike People-- #2

I am a relatively smart person.  I'm in high classes, I get good grades, and I understand a lot of things.  Which is why it really upsets me to be called into my English teacher's classroom after school for a 45 minute talk on everything that went wrong in my research paper.  I mean, criticism helps me to a point, but having my paper completely picked apart and being told that it will be graded as is upsets me a little bit.  To make all of this worse, I hate people.  Especially people who enjoy making my self esteem fall.  Especially when I'm friends with those people, and they are my boyfriend's best friend.  I can usually just roll my eyes or ignore this kid's comments, but when he says things designed to hurt me, I mean really hurt me, it works.  He knows things that I'm sensitive about, so he can come up with just the wrong thing to say.  When he says stuff about my relationship, I want to blow it off, but I can't.  He knows both of us really well, and I can't deny that some of the stuff that he says may be true.  Ugh.  I need some sleep.

Scarf color: Gryffindor (Burgundy and Gold)

Why I Dislike People-- #1

Sometimes, people piss me off.  I will tell you why in a a fairytale format.

Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess.  She had a boyfriend who was a prince, and she liked him very, very much.  They had hung out over winter solstice at his castle, and she told a couple of her ladies in waiting about stuff that had happened.  They wanted to keep their private lives private, so she swore them to secrecy.  However, there was an evil witch in the kingdom of Chem, and she saw that the princess had something in her notes... a letter from one of the ladies in waiting!  They had been writing down their conversation so that people wouldn't eavesdrop, but now the witch knew everything!  The princess and the witch talked, because the princess didn't know that the witch was evil, and the witch had even given up some of her secrets to the princess!  But it was too late.  The witch had already dispatched the message of the princess's personal life to her minions, and people far and wide heard about it.  The prince and the princess talked about it, and while they were angry with the witch, they decided that their love would conquer the evil in the end.  And they all lived happily ever after.

Bleh.  People suck.

Scarf: Boyfriend's Gift (Blue stripes)

TRON: Legacy in Disney Digital 3D

A combination of The Matrix, Star Wars, Inception, and The Big Lebowski.  The only problem: total lack of originality.

TRON was my first movie of 2011, and it was a disappointment.  While the special effects were stunning, the money that they spent on every detail of every fight scene would have been better spent on a decent screenwriter.  The plot and dialogue of TRON made me embarrassed for the people involved in the movie.  The plot had potential, but it soon became apparent that all but one minor character would remain static throughout the movie.  This could have been saved by a witty or inspiring script, but the lines were better suited for a trailer than an actual movie.

The worst for me was one of the main characters: Flynn.  A father who had designed an alternate world, comprable to a video game, and had gotten trapped inside of it.  This is where The Big Lebowski comes in.  Jeff Bridges, the man who played Flynn, has a demographic that he fits into.  Namely, a stoner named The Dude.  I expected him to distinguish himself from his past role, but instead, he seemed to incorporate it into this movie.  He becomes a mixture of a Jedi and The Dude, which was just unsettling.  When a man is unable to end a sentence with a word other than "man," I begin to wonder if he could really have written a code for another world.

I, of course, shelled out the extra three bucks to see the film in 3D.  What a waste.  The experience would have been exactly the same in 2D, and also would have allowed me to purchase a snack.  The only plus is the fact that I can keep the cool glasses... although they are technically stolen.

In short, TRON was impressive in its special effects, but the level of understanding required to follow the plot made me feel like I was losing IQ points.  If you want to see a movie for the action scenes, go for it, but if you want to see a quality movie, don't spend the money.    

Scarf: Boyfriend's Gift (Blue stripes)